OUR PATHETIC COLLEGE STORIES TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF - PT. 2

“What’s your gerbederber?”

The names in this story have been changed for anonymity purposes.

While the first few days on your new college campus tends to be one of the most exciting experiences of your life, these days can also be quite daunting. You think of all the possibilities ahead of you. You think of the people you’re going to meet, the new opportunities you’re going to have, and all of the experiences you’re about to embark on. As a fresh new face at Southeast Missouri State University, I spent a solid 3 hours just sitting in my dorm thinking about what was ahead of me. When I finally left my dorm, the time for pondering would quickly come to an end. Soon enough, my first collegiate story would unfold.

At this time, I had no idea what the rush process looked like. My only knowledge of Greek Life came from various movies I had watched, and the thought of joining a Fraternity seemed about as appealing as stepping on broken glass while simultaneously watching my grandmother get brutally murdered. That may be a bit of an over-exaggeration, but it’s important to know how disinterested I was when 3 Fraternity men approached me with the idea of joining their organization. As a weak and nervous freshman, I gave in and gave them my contact information, then went on about my day not thinking anything of it. Honestly, I figured they wouldn’t even bother texting me due to the fact that I made sure to express how uninterested in Greek Life I was at the time, and if they did text me, I sure as hell had no interest in responding to said text.

After a very uneventful day, I sat in my dorm playing videogames while my new roommate Adam told me about every “bad bitch” he saw that day. Adam, who I haven’t spoken to since we lived together, was about 300 lbs. and looked kinda like a young Kevin James if Kevin James had spent his life indulging in crack-cocaine. So even though I knew Adam had no chance with any of these women he was talking about, I gassed him up and told him he’s got a shot at fucking every single one of them. That’s what roommates are for. This went on for probably around 30 minutes, and then that’s finally when the text came through.

From: Devin

“Had a great time meeting you today! We’re having a little party at the house tonight if you wanna’ come through. Feel free to bring your roommate or any friends.”

Looking back, the single worst decision I made that night was telling Adam about this text once I received it. “Dude we have to go!” “Dude there’s gonna’ be so many bad bitches!” “Stop being a pussy dude let’s go!” I would never hear the end of it unless I agreed to go to this party with Adam.

Therefore, reluctantly, I texted Devin to get the address, loaded Adam up in my car, and we headed towards my first Fraternity party. As we got there, I had no expectations other than the expectation that I would hate the night. This was momentarily corrected, however, when as soon as I walked in I was offered a beer. Throughout high school, I loved beer so much it earned me an MIP charge. Beer was the quickest way to my heart. I gladly accepted. At the time this beer seemed like salvation. The only redeeming quality for what I was sure to be a long and annoying night of guys trying to get me to pay money to join their organization. In actuality, that beer was the catalyst for what would become my worst college experience of all time.

As it goes in life, that one beer would become two beers. Two beers would become three, and so on. Beer was nothing new to me, and I thought I could handle it pretty well. I could, for a high school student. For a college student, I wasn’t more than a beginner. In high school I would drink 6 beers because that’s typically all I had at a given time. These guy’s beer supply seemed limitless. SEEMED limitless. I knew there was a bottom, and it became my mission to find it.

6 or 7 beers deep, I had my first slip up. One of the “bad bitches'“ Adam had warned me about found herself in conversation with me. The beers took over, and naturally, I figured she wanted me. We had a nice little conversation going at first, and then I hit her with “So let me guess. You want my snapchat, huh?” The conversation immediately became disgustingly awkward. Being nice, she gave me her snapchat even though I could tell she didn’t want to. I wondered what went wrong? Why was she feeling me and then all of a sudden shut down? I would get my answer by asking “what are you doing after the party?” Her answer… “Probably going home with my boyfriend right there…” She pointed to her boyfriend who was not only in the Fraternity hosting the party, but I also later found out was the Vice President of said Fraternity.

“Oh well. O-1” I thought to myself.

I drank it off. Forgot about the uncomfortable interaction as quickly as I could, and danced awkwardly in the corner while I waited for something else eventful to happen. Due to the free alcohol, I was having a blast. This is when from the nice little corner suite I had built, I noticed Adam across the room chatting with some Fraternity guys. On my way over to join him, the conversation took an abrupt turn. Adam, nearly in tears, began being escorted out of the party. Not understanding what was happening, I followed. Adam got quite literally chucked out of the house, which I thought was quite impressive given his size. As he walked away in defeat, one of the guys who threw him out turned to me and asked “that was your roommate you brought, right?” I nodded. “Get a new roommate. That guy’s a fucking creep,” he informed me. This wasn’t much of a shock to me, given the warning signs Adam had showcased, but I later found out Adam had just straight up showed a sorority girl a picture of his dick. I had to live with Adam for a full semester before he finally dropped out.

Now without the only guy at the party I actually knew, I was forced to try and make new friends. At this point I’m probably 10 beers deep and beyond drunk status. I don’t remember how, but one way or another I found myself in the upstairs portion of the house with the stoners of the Fraternity. As I drunkenly swayed back and forth, a joint magically appeared in my hands. At that point in my life I had never tried marijuana, but for some reason thought that trying it for the first time while 10 beers deep would be a great idea.

After probably the most pathetic hit you’ve ever seen, I coughed my lungs up and gazed out into the abyss. This is the part where my recollection of the night really takes a turn for the worst. I couldn’t begin to tell you how long I sat there, but I do know it was long enough to miss 7 calls from my mother who was wanting to see how her son’s first night of college was going. Not great, mother. After most likely an eternity, I vividly remember looking to my left and seeing another pretty girl. I really wish I would’ve stayed non-verbal for this part. As she sat there on her phone, I tried to gather myself to muster up an introduction. I sat up and said something along the lines of “Hello. fasfelighter . What’s your uhhhh. What’s your gerbederber"?” I think I was trying to ask her what her name was. Instead, a bunch of jumbled nonsense came out. This poor girl nervously laughed and asked me to repeat myself.

I looked her dead in the eyes, thought as hard as I possibly could, opened my mouth to speak, and then proceeded to throw up all over her. Everyone, understandably so, freaked the fuck out while the girl cried. I don’t remember what everyone was saying, but I remember it was absolute chaos all around me. Guys were grabbing me trying to get me out of there, but I no longer had control of my body. I stood up and tried to apologize but just mumbled some more, then continued to throw up all over the table we were sitting around.

I remember flashes of being thrown into the back of a car, and remember flashes of thinking to myself “I didn’t want to come to this party anyways” whilst on the way back to campus. All of a sudden I was back at my dorm with a passed out Adam. I looked at my phone and considered calling my mother. The only victory of the night is that I decided against doing that, and then laid down to go to sleep.

Obviously, neither me nor Adam ever heard from anyone in that Fraternity again. However, I would go on to join a different Fraternity, and see those guys as well as the girl I threw up on quite frequently while out at the bars.

If you’re Devin, anyone in that Fraternity, or the girl I threw up on… I’m sorry.

And yes, the next day I had to go back to retrieve my car. You can imagine how awkward that was.